Are you dealing with a narcissist in your life? I finally figured out what type of person my husband of 29 years was! A narcissist, applying narcissistic abuse to myself and my son. I wasn’t totally naive, I knew his personality was different, but I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until a few years ago. He was a controlling, demanding and insensitive individual.
There was an affair with a coworker on his part and of course our marriage tumbled after discovering what was going on. Going through couples therapy simply did not work as far as fixing the relationship with this narcissistic husband of mine. Why? Because he turned everything around to make him look like the victim, he denied things and lied not only to me but also to the therapist.
What is a Narcissist?
Definition. “The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Individuals with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.”
My spouse was definitely demanding and manipulative, he controlled almost every situation. Making himself look good to the outside world. But our home life was completely different. I finally realized that he was only making himself look good. His actions were to benefit him. He wanted to be in control of all situations.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
” a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”
Living With A Narcissist
If I made a comment on any situation, he would shoot down my words, telling me I did not know what I was talking about.
He would not show emotion and he would automatically turn away from me. If I tried to talk to him about my emotions, or about problems going on, he would complete block me out.
He would totally brush our personal relationship aside. Making comments of that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t know what I was talking about.
Added to all of this, he was a compulsive liar. Lying about his lies, lying right to my face. He looked straight into my eyes and continued to lie about what he was doing.
People in our town would comment as to what a great guy he was. Understanding, caring and how he did so much for the community. To me I saw it completely different. He turned into a totally different person at home, compared to when he was out in public.
He was constantly scheming, stepping on other people , wanting attention, taking credit for everything and all the time full of deceit. My toxic spouse wanted to be noticed. He needed the attention and made sure it was all good attention going his way. Any bad publicity – well then he would blame the situation on someone or something.
Signs of a Narcissist
Do you recognize anyone in your life as having these narcissistic traits?
- the narcissist believes he is better than most people in all ways
- puts out plenty of criticism but will not listen to any criticism against him
- any wrongdoings he would put the blame on others by twisting facts, and words
- other people’s thoughts and feeling are irrelevant
- abandoning and downgrading responsibilities
- talking about personal and emotional issues never happens with a narcissist
- is quick to retort with well-rehearsed excuses
- common responses is all about excuses and avoiding bad situations
- being nice to others only to get what he wanted
My spouse was a master con artist. I could see how he used people. He could sweet talk people to get what he wanted. He would leave people high and dry with their feelings hurt, or left in total confusion.
I have seen it with my own eyes, a number of times, how a narcissist can throw a child-like tantrum for not getting his or her way.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse can seem overwhelming, In a toxic relationship you need to fully understand such severity as:
- are you being treated with respect?
- if you are being used and/or abused emotionally
- if your relationship is one sided. Are you being dominated, and controlling by another person?
It took my husband’s infidelity to open my eyes and realize how much of a narcissist he actually was. The infidelity rocked my world, it floored me, I went from hurt to anger to disgust, to realizing what type of relationship I was in.
You need to find a way to rebuild your life and literally with the right help, it can be done. You need to discover ways to literally make your mind stronger. The first thing is to work with a legitimate program to deal with any narcissistic issue.
I found my strength and received the help I needed. If you are in a narcissistic relationship and need answers or a place to turn to, for immediate action I urge you to take a look at Kim’s story.
The Best of Luck to you in getting your life in order!